7:00 PM
So here we are. Day 2.
I bet you thought I wouldn't come back. I know I didn't. Yet here I am, writing once again for no one about nothing, but I suppose that the beauty of it isn't it. Today I had econ at 10 AM, but lucky for me I slept through my 8:30 alarm and my friends decided not to wake me up for class. Because of this my day started with me running to make it 15 minutes late, but I can proudly say I made it reasonably on time despite waking up at 10:05. It seems like all my friends are on edge these days, just waiting for someone to do something slightly out of line so they can tell them off proudly. I'm not sure what's causing this but my best guess is proximity. It's hard not to hate your neighbor when they're in your room every day. This dynamic is made even more interesting by the fear of missing out. It seems like no one wants to hang out but when someone isn't invited to hang out they're upset that they weren't. I guess that's the nature of spending lots of time with a small group of people. Luckily were here at college so there's thousands of other people just out the door. All that being said I'd like to make it clear that I love these boys. Regardless of passing disputes most of these guys have been close to me since I was young, and I wouldn't trade them for anyone in the world. The biggest problem facing me currently is my lack of money. I'm not quite sure how to remedy this problem, but i'm doing my best to fix it. This problem is compounded by my friends spending lots of money on alcohol and narcotics and then sharing said narcotics with me and expecting full reimbursement. Anyway enough about all that. I'm tired and bored, and when I say bored I mean really really bored. I suppose this is a good of a time as any to bring up the female I am currently having sex with. Of course by now I've found myself someone who enjoys sex as much as I do, and so far it hasn't been too bad. She's pretty inexperienced and quiet, but that's just my type. I won't go into detail about that because no one, myself included, want to hear the sordid details of my own young adult sex life. God damn it, as I'm writing this I see a text from **** . That's another person I used to fuck, but that was a while ago and I'd like to think I've moved on to bigger and better things, but that's certainly not true. Oh and look, the text is about some song I showed her reminding her of me. Why? Why ****? Are you not still with that guy who took you from me? Maybe I'm still a little salty, but whatever. I'd like to take a moment to bring up my roommate, well call him Carl. Carl is one of my very close friends, and I'd like to thank him for putting up with me. I don't imagine it is easy for anyone to occupy the same space as me for such extended periods of time, but he does so with poise and grace.
I think I want to do acid again.
Every time I do it I feel like I'm learning something about myself. Maybe that's just my simple mind being manipulated by the drug, but it has had some serious effects on how I see myself and the world. Nearing the end of the summer, before I began attending college, I did quite a lot of acid, and I recall many hot nights of spiraling, twisted, insanity. I use the word insanity lightly because it was always only fleeting, but in moments of dark isolation I felt completely detached from myself. This is not a feeling I anticipate many people are familiar with, let alone enjoy, but I find myself more terrified and disgusted with myself when sober.
Sometimes I think about what my goal is in life, like what I would consider success. Usually I tell myself that I'll always be successful as long as I'm happy, but I know that's bullshit. I want to be successful in the eyes of others. I want people to point at me and say "That's how I wanna be someday." Though I might hope for this I'm far too aware of how fringe I am. I like to pretend I could be a normal, athletic, handsome, smart, and kind person, but all of those adjectives couldn't describe me worse. Here's the thing, there's no place in this world for someone like me. I mean there is obviously. If the world has room for the endless droves of frat guys and sorority girls, I'd hope there's a place for me. I'm not out to hurt anyone, just to write, but maybe that's the problem. These days hurting people is significantly more profitable than writing, and honestly I understand it. At least when you're hurting people you're doing something, I sit here and type on a keyboard endlessly to seemingly no avail. If I were to end up writing for some publication about politics or entertainment or art though I think I'd be mildly content, and I guess that's where I should leave my goals for now.
actually scratch that, I wanna write a book. Not a bestseller, no that's too much publicity, also I really don't think I have it in me. It seems like I just need to figure out a place to channel my desire to write.
Tomorrow I have only two classes instead of the usual three on Wednesday. That reminds me, are these dated? I hope so but I'm not sure so Ill date this one 2/6/18, which would make my first post 2/5/18.
7:33 PM